half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
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Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Thrilling chase underway
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
We decided to have money instead of children.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.