I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
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Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet