Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
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Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]