My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
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A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.