What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
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“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
(Gaming support cat.)
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Kids: Stay in school.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.