Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
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Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
🙅🏻
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything