Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
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Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.