HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
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My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
this came to me in a vision
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym