A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
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No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
never deleting this app.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.