my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
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BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions