I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
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Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler