The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
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[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.