“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
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Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
How I’d get arrested…
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”