don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
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I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I think this should do it.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.