The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
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Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?