ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
You Might Also Like
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Saturday
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
We decided to have money instead of children.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).