I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
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After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.