I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
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By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Oceanography is all about current events
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.