What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
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Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.