Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
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I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.