Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
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It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
need him
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”