The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
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The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Just parrot things
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Simple
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun