My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
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I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
What an awful time to have common sense.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.