Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
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Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”