I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
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“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
the answer was staring at me all along
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Phonetics
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<