In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
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“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.