me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
You Might Also Like
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Lmfaoooooo
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.