Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
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Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.