My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
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Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon