4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
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[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
sry
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
People buying plungers never look happy.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.