ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
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Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.