If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
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Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
subtitles are so good nowadays
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.