“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
You Might Also Like
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
This fish is cracking me up
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Brilliant!
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.