Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
You Might Also Like
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas