I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
You Might Also Like
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple