Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
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My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
How to wake up a Beagle
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅