Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
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[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.