[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
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the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
look at me when i’m typing to you
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked