The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
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When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Sex so good you see dead people.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win