[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
You Might Also Like
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Human are so complicated
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Sing it!
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry