My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
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I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question