Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
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“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.