Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
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SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
I hate my earbuds.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)