Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
You Might Also Like
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.