Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
You Might Also Like
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.