judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
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[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.