I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
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“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.