The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
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how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.