*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
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Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
me linking you to my twitter
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*