dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
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I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
dictator is short for richard potato
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?